Finding Love at Hedgehog Hollow Read online

  I was carrying the last couple of bags out to my car when a woman showed up with a car full of suitcases and boxes. Turned out they’d been seeing each other for four years but she was married and unwilling to leave her husband. Presumably Harry’s relationship with me was an attempt to make her jealous and coax her into action and it had finally worked. I didn’t stick around to find out for certain.

  After that, I hadn’t felt ready to trust again so I’d avoided men, but the idea of being with someone two of my closest friends vouched for was appealing. There was no way they’d push us together if he was a player.

  ‘We’ve confirmed a date for the wedding,’ Hannah said, bringing my focus back to her. ‘3rd March next year.’

  ‘Oh my gosh! That’s brilliant news.’

  ‘You’ll be chief bridesmaid and James will be best man, which will be so fabulous if the two of you are an item.’

  ‘And maybe a tad awkward if we’re not.’

  She winked at me. ‘You will be. I’m convinced of it.’

  ‘Surprise!’

  Party poppers exploded and streamers were hurled as Toby stepped into the function room that evening. From the astonished expression on his face, Hannah had been right and he genuinely hadn’t suspected a thing.

  Toby hugged and kissed Hannah. I hung back in the crowd and took a moment to check out James while he greeted Toby’s parents. Hannah’s ‘hottie’ description was bang on. I hoped he had an amazing personality to match his good looks because first impressions were setting off serious fireworks.

  I felt so nervous, I was shaking by the time Hannah appeared by my side with James in tow.

  ‘The famous best friend! We meet at last.’ He gave me a huge smile. ‘I’ve heard so much about you, I feel like I’ve known you for years already.’

  Relaxing my shoulders, I laughed. ‘Same here. Your ears were probably burning on the golf course because someone’s been singing your praises all afternoon.’

  ‘How funny because Toby was doing the same about you.’ James gave Hannah a gentle nudge in the ribs. ‘You two are about as subtle as a sledgehammer.’

  She raised her hands in surrender and tried to look innocent. ‘No idea what you could possibly mean. Toby and I just wanted our best man and chief bridesmaid to get acquainted. And I’ll leave you both to do just that.’

  Without waiting for a response, she turned and made her way across the room, no doubt grinning to herself.

  ‘Would you like a drink?’ James asked.

  ‘I’d love one, thank you.’ I followed him to the bar.

  ‘I wouldn’t let on to those two, but I’ve been really looking forward to meeting you. I couldn’t wait for six o’clock to arrive.’

  My stomach did a back flip.

  He fixed those intense blue eyes on mine and smiled. ‘What are you drinking?’

  While he ordered our drinks, the butterflies took flight. They continued to soar as he led me to a dark corner so we could talk. They swooped when he wrapped his arms round me and held me close on the dance floor later that evening and they went crazy when he took my hand as we walked back to Fuchsia Cottage after the party ended.

  ‘I knew you two were perfect for each other,’ Hannah slurred, clinging onto Toby as they staggered along the lane beside us. ‘Didn’t I call it?’

  ‘You one hundred per cent called it, Hannah,’ James said. He rolled his eyes at me and we laughed at the state of the pair of them, ricocheting off each other.

  We all piled into the kitchen to make coffee but Hannah only got as far as filling the kettle before declaring she had no space for any more liquid and needed sleep. Toby followed her upstairs, leaving James and me alone.

  ‘Did you mean it when you said Hannah had called it?’ I asked, the several glasses of wine consumed across the evening making me feel brave.

  James took my hands in his and drew me closer to him then gently kissed me. His lips were warm and his beard was soft as he moved his kiss across my cheek to my ear and then back to my lips.

  ‘I hope that answers your question,’ he said.

  ‘It does.’

  ‘Can I take you out for dinner one night this week?’ he whispered. ‘Are you free on Tuesday?’

  ‘I am and yes please.’

  I lay in my bed an hour or so later smiling, the feel of James’s tender kisses still on my lips. Hannah and Toby genuinely had called it. He made me laugh, I made him laugh, we shared so much in common and, when we kissed, it felt as though we’d been designed to fit together. Knowing that he was in the room next door meant drifting off was not going to be easy but I eventually slipped into happy dreams.

  On Sunday morning, I awoke a little after seven to the sound of the front door closing. Peeking through the blinds, I saw James heading towards his car with his overnight bag in his hand and my stomach sank. He’d clearly woken up full of regret and was making a swift escape to avoid any discomfort. Maybe not the perfect fit after all.

  Half an hour later, I opened the front door to leave.

  ‘Going without saying goodbye?’

  I jumped and turned to face James, leaning against the kitchen door frame, looking a little unsure of himself.

  ‘I thought you’d gone,’ I said.

  ‘Not yet. I wanted to see you first. Make sure everything’s okay between us after last night.’

  My stomach sank for the second time that morning. Did that mean he regretted last night and wanted to make sure there’d be no awkwardness at the wedding next year? ‘We’re fine. Last night was great but, don’t worry, I won’t hold you to dinner this week.’ I was going for casual but my voice sounded strained.

  ‘You don’t want to go out with me?’ He looked hurt.

  ‘Erm… yes, I do, but I’m handing you a get out of jail free card.’

  ‘What if I don’t want a get out of jail free card?’ he said, his lips curling into a smile as he took a step closer to me.

  I smiled shyly and placed my bag on the floor. ‘Then it looks like we’re going out to dinner on Tuesday.’

  ‘And what happens if I can’t wait that long?’ He took another step closer so that our bodies were almost touching.

  ‘I’m free tomorrow night too.’

  ‘And what if I can’t wait that long either?’

  ‘I don’t need to rush off now,’ I whispered, gazing into his eyes.

  ‘In that case, would you like to spend the day with me?’

  ‘I’d love to.’

  He wrapped his arms round me and gently kissed me.

  ‘I was worried you might have slept on it and changed your mind,’ he said when we broke apart.

  I saw the uncertainty and felt his vulnerability – just like my own – and, at that moment, I fell a little bit in love with James Turner.

  3

  Six months later, Hannah and Toby said ‘I do’. I felt all gooey inside as they smiled tenderly at each other and kissed for the first time as husband and wife. I stole a glance across to James, looking delectable as best man in a light-grey three-piece suit with a coral tie and pocket handkerchief, but he was looking straight ahead and didn’t catch my eye. I smoothed down my coral bridesmaid dress, smiling to myself. Could that be James and me in the next year or so? I hoped so.

  They turned to face their friends and family, huge smiles on their face, then walked down the aisle to rapturous applause. James joined me as we walked behind them, followed by Hannah’s two young nieces. He squeezed my hand and gave me one of his warmest smiles, sending the butterflies soaring in my stomach. Could the wedding put him in the right romantic mood to declare his true feelings? James hadn’t said he loved me yet, but I knew he was cautious and keen to take things slowly after a previous long-term relationship ended badly. I was determined not to be the first to say it after realising that Harry had only ever responded with a non-committal ‘me too’ each time I said those words to him.

  With James living and working in York and me based an hour away in Whitsborough Bay, there wasn’t much opportunity for spontaneity in our relationship but we made it work. We spent most weekends together and tried to meet up one evening during the week.

  James travelled over to Whitsborough Bay a couple of times in the early days and met my parents, but Mum did nothing to make him feel welcome. So it made more sense for me to drive to York instead, especially as James owned his own place.

  Living back at home wasn’t ideal but it made financial sense for me. After the Harry disaster, Dad had insisted I move back into my childhood bedroom while I saved a deposit for a place of my own, much to Mum’s disgust.

  James and I spent a lot of time with Hannah and Toby and I loved that closeness we had as a unit of four. I imagined years stretching ahead of us with joint holidays and, down the line, perhaps joint family holidays.

  Our time together was always filled with chatter and laughter which made me realise how perfunctory my relationship had been with Harry. He’d been very wrong for me and I’d been too inexperienced to realise it, but James couldn’t be more right.

  ‘Could you see yourself doing this?’ I asked James as we sat at an empty table, watching the newlyweds shuffling to their first dance that evening. Five, maybe six, glasses of champagne had made me feel brave, but not quite brave enough to add ‘with me’.

  ‘One day,’ James responded. ‘When I meet…’

  My stomach plummeted to my feet as he faltered, biting his lip, squirming on his chair, avoiding eye contact with me. And that was it. That was the moment of absolute shocking clarity. The reason he hadn’t said he loved me was not because he’d been hurt before or because he didn’t want to rush things. It was quite simply because he didn’t feel that way. How could I have been so blind? Had my experience with Harry taught me nothing? r />
  ‘When you meet the right person?’ I finished for him, hoping the music would prevent him from hearing the wobble in my voice. Willing myself not to cry and swallowing hard on the lump blocking my throat, I added, ‘But that person isn’t me, is it?’

  James slowly shook his head then turned to face me. ‘I’m so sorry, Sam. I do love you—’ he shook his head again ‘—but not in that way. I wish I did, but you can’t control who you fall in love with. I love being with you but there’s something missing between us.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Some sort of spark. I felt it when we first met but I think it was the excitement of something new and… I’m so sorry… it faded.’ His voice was thick with regret and I knew he was telling the truth. He’d tried but, for him, love hadn’t grown.

  Twiddling with a strand of hair, I forced out the words, ‘Is there someone else?’

  ‘No! I’d never do that to you.’

  ‘So what are you saying?’ I asked. ‘You want us to split up?’

  He took my hand in his. ‘No. That’s the thing. I really care about you, we have fun together, and there’s nobody I’d rather be with.’ He reached out with his other hand and stroked the side of my face. I nuzzled against his soft palm, my heart thumping. All was not lost. Then he added that fatal word. ‘Yet.’ One tiny word with only three letters, but oh so powerful. Yet. He hadn’t met anyone he’d rather be with yet. He was biding his time until someone better came along.

  ‘Okay,’ I said, because what else could I say? It was far from okay. It would never be okay.

  ‘I just don’t see us together for the long run,’ James continued. ‘I really wish I did but I don’t. How do you feel?’

  How do I feel? I love you and I want to marry you! But of course I didn’t say that. I don’t know what got into me – probably a combination of self-preservation, humiliation-avoidance and the desire to hold onto him for as long as I could – but I opened my mouth and out it tumbled. ‘I feel exactly the same although I didn’t realise it until I watched Hannah and Toby saying their vows. I started picturing my wedding day but I couldn’t imagine you being the groom. I don’t want to lose you, though. I’m happy to continue with this, whatever this is.’

  I expected him to laugh and call me out on my lies. Surely me stumbling over my words and fidgeting with the tablecloth were a dead giveaway? Instead, his eyes lit up. ‘Really? I was worried about hurting you.’

  I smiled. ‘If I’d been madly in love with you, we’d be picking up pieces of my broken heart off the floor right now, but seeing as I’m not…’

  James hugged me. ‘You’re the best, Sam.’

  He believed me. How could he believe such rubbish?

  ‘So are you,’ I said, squeezing him back. ‘Will you promise me something? If you meet anyone who gives you that spark you’re looking for, will you tell me? I mean immediately. Don’t let me find out later or hear it from someone else. I couldn’t cope with that again after what happened with Harry.’

  James pulled away from me and nodded solemnly. ‘And you promise me too?’

  I nodded and crossed my fingers beneath my seat. I’d already found the one and I just had to hope the spark he’d initially felt towards me ignited once more because the one I had for him had never extinguished.

  4

  Nothing changed between James and me over the next three months. Or rather nothing changed outwardly. We still saw each other just as regularly. We still talked incessantly. We still laughed a lot. But, inwardly, everything had changed for me. I was falling apart, my heart breaking every day, knowing that the man I loved didn’t love me back and never would. I knew I was kidding myself that he’d wake up one day and suddenly realise that he felt more than affectionate friendship.

  I couldn’t bring myself to confide in Hannah or Chloe – the two people I normally turned to when anything troubled me. I hated that I was keeping something so important from them but I knew why. They’d tell me to end it because that was the advice I’d give if either of them presented the same situation to me. Why waste time investing in something completely one-sided? But I wasn’t ready to face that so I lied. I repeated James’s words to them – we were having fun but neither of us saw it lasting long-term because we didn’t have that spark.

  Hannah challenged me on it after she returned from her honeymoon.

  ‘You’ve been together for nearly seven months now,’ she said, frowning. ‘That’s a long time if the relationship’s going nowhere. What’s the point in staying together?’

  ‘What did you say was the best way to get over Harry? I’m taking your advice and I’m enjoying it very much, thank you. Does every relationship need to be heading towards something?’

  She shrugged. ‘No, but be careful, won’t you? I’d hate to see you getting hurt again.’

  ‘I could only get hurt if I was hopelessly in love with him, which I’m not. Sooner or later, one of us will meet someone else and it will end. For now, we’re great friends—’

  ‘With benefits,’ she finished.

  ‘No! Don’t say that. It makes it sound tacky.’

  ‘What else would you call it? Look, if it works for you both, then go for it and have fun. But if you feel more than friendship—’

  ‘I don’t.’ I realised I’d probably said that too quickly and sharply so I smiled and hoped I could lie convincingly. ‘I’ll admit that I was pretty smitten at first and thought James could be the one, but there’s something missing. He’s not my forever.’

  ‘You’re sure?’

  ‘I’m sure. So are you looking forward to getting back to work?’

  She narrowed her eyes at me again but I gave her my most dazzling smile which must have convinced her because she sat back in the armchair and chatted about her return to work.

  Chloe was more accepting of the casual nature of our relationship. She hadn’t yet met him and James didn’t do social media but I’d posted a few images of him on Facebook and Instagram.

  ‘Good on you,’ she said as we walked arm in arm along the promenade at North Bay one calm evening in late March. ‘If I had a friend who looked like your James, I’d be more than happy to indulge in a bit of no-strings shagging.’

  ‘It’s not quite no-strings,’ I said. ‘We’re not allowed to see other people and, if one of us meets someone, we have to tell the other one.’

  ‘Sounds like the perfect arrangement. Where can I get me a James?’

  ‘No idea. Aisle ten at the supermarket?’

  She laughed. ‘If only. So when am I going to get to meet him? You’ve been together forever.’

  ‘Hardly forever and you know it’s not intentional. Mum won’t let him stay over so it’s easier for me to go to York.’

  She squeezed my arm tighter. ‘Try not to let her get to you,’ she said gently. There wasn’t much else she could say. My mum adored Chloe and hated me. Chloe had claimed I was imagining things when we were younger but, as we’d moved into our twenties, she’d had to admit that she could see how differently Mum acted towards us both.

  ‘You know me,’ I said. ‘Always trying to keep the peace and go with the flow.’

  ‘I wish you didn’t have to.’

  ‘Me too.’ I sighed. ‘Anyway, back to more cheery subjects. I’ve pencilled James in for Gramps’s seventy-fifth in June so you’ll get to meet him then, if not before.’

  ‘About time too.’

  Mum and I weren’t close but her dad – my Gramps – and I were. I sometimes wondered if he’d originally gone out of his way to shower me with love to compensate for his daughter’s indifference towards me but, whatever the reason, I absolutely adored him and the special bond we shared.

  Throughout childhood, I frequently visited Nanna and Gramps at Meadowcroft, a large bungalow set in two acres of land in a village called Little Tilbury about forty minutes south of Whitsborough Bay. I often stayed during the school holidays, baking with Nanna or helping Gramps in the garden. Gramps was a keen ornithologist and his sprawling back garden – which included a copse – was a haven for birds. He taught me all their names, food preferences and nesting choices. The garden backed onto open fields and attracted a multitude of other wildlife, especially at night. Hedgehogs, rabbits, foxes and even badgers were regular visitors, exploring the hedgerows, the copse, and seeking out the treats Gramps left for them. My grandparents would let me stay up late, and we’d all hide in the conservatory with the lights off, watching the nocturnal activities. Sometimes Chloe stayed but nature seemed to bore her so it was usually just me and I loved the undivided attention.